So I had a birthday this weekend and with another year comes another bit of wisdom. Here are some not so wise words to share.
1. Even when the opportunity knocks, you still have to get off your behind and open the door.
2. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
3. Nothing stinks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
4. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to bap when I was younger.
5. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
6. Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I get so excited. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!
7. Was learning cursive really necessary?
8. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
9. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
10. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
11. Bad decisions make good stories.
12. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
13. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart
14. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my lengthy, time consuming project that I swear I did not make any changes to.
15. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.
16. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dang it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
17. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
18. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
20. I sometimes try to hold off on going to the bathroom because I have 18 other things to do real fast.
21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
22. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand causing my arm to almost rip right off than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
24. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent an punk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
28. Answering the same letter three times or more in a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
29. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for a pedophile…
30. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but you can bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
33. I find comfort in a good worn in pair of jeans. I fear that the day I wash them I will no long be able to fit back into them.
34. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
35. You can find anything on the internet. How to make cheese and more of this.
Now can I get an amen sister? What are your thoughts? Let’s get this list a growin’.
